My heart hurts.

Been a while.  And yeah, I’ve just got more whiny bullshit to post, so don’t bother reading.  You’ve been warned.  I let myself fall for exactly the kind of guy I would ordinarily warn others away from.  Actually, it doesn’t feel like I “let” it happen; it feels like I just slotted into the event like it was made for me.  Like he was made for me.  I didn’t know what attraction felt like until I met him.  I didn’t know what blind stupidity felt like until I met him.  Thing is, he can be so sweet, and I feel like a million bucks around him.  But then he ignores me for days on end.  I don’t even have a right to be upset.  We’re not in a romantic relationship.  But sometimes he treats me like a friend, and I’m on a high for the rest of the day.  But I think I made myself too available, too easy.  He’s quite the little fuckboy, and I thought I could handle that.  I thought I’d be okay with it.  But mild flirting, truth or dare, and time spent mostly naked and “joking” around about threesomes have just left me feeling used.  Like a plaything.  He’s got his girlfriend, and even though he doesn’t always treat her right either, he’s professed his love for her in ways that I know he never will with me.  I need to walk away, I know.  It would be better for me.  But every time he calls, I coming running.  I think he’s a manipulator.  I think he doesn’t really care about me as anything more than someone he’s attracted to.  I think if he said he loved me and wanted me instead of her, I’d still drop everything for him.  And I hate how stupid that makes me.  Getting involved with other people never works out for me.  I should have known better.  I did know better.  But I ignored it because, goddammit, I love him.  I shouldn’t, but I do.  And I’ve come to genuinely like his girl, and if they invited me into their relationship, I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I know that I’d always just be their unicorn, and that hurts.  It hurts so much, especially because I know I don’t have any other options, and even if I did, I’d ignore all of them for him.  I didn’t want to be the heroine of a romance novel, but here I am.  The best I can hope for is that he does actually care about me, and I just can’t handle the casual sex thing.  I want the romance they have.  I’ll never have it.  The best I can hope for is to be part of someone else’s story.  A side character.  Disposable.  And part of me is totally okay with that, if I could only feel like they really wanted me there.  But most of the time, it doesn’t feel like that.  Especially now, after successive nights of fun and games, I’m being ignored.  And it hurts.  And I don’t know if he knows how much it hurts.  If he does, he’s an asshole.  A big part of me hopes he doesn’t know.  I want to believe he’s the sweetheart he seemed to be, the kindred spirit.  But they never are, are they?  So here I am, pining after someone who’ll never want me and waiting for him anyway.  It’s a tragic ending, assuming you give a shit.  This feels like the longest he’s ever purposefully ignored me.  Is it because he didn’t like the way I looked without clothes on?  Is it because I made myself too available and now he doesn’t feel like he has to try?  Is he just tired of me?  I’ve done everything to be good to him and his girl, from buying dinner to offering to co-sign a loan.  He’s got me under his thumb, and I don’t even mind.  As long as he pays attention.  When I’m being ignored, it kills me.  My heart hurts.  But I keep waiting.  And I hate myself for it.  I should walk away.  But I can’t.  And it’s going to kill me.  For real, someday.